Wreck

A wreck is what i feel like right now. It's 1:17 AM and I should be working on my paper over a disease or disorder or pretty much anything medical that makes a person sucky. But all I can think about is what to get my brother for his birthday in like 2 weeks. I was thinking about what he would like and what he would want. And I realized I don't really spend alot of time talking with John. barely any at all. And the time we actually spend together is almost completely nonexsistent. I see Nicole's 98 year old grandmother more often than I see my own brother. I just keep thinking want would John want what does he need and i kept coming back to this realization. I know he is a fine Christian man with an apartment and a good Christian wife. I know he likes to drive his big truck and he likes being a cop. but other than that what do I really know about him? About what he does? What he likes? ... It just hurts. And so what am I to do? My schedule most weeks is kinda full. If I don't work on a day then I still should have something I need to work on. Some homework I need to do. I'm a half semester behind on my online chemistry class and I really had meant to be doing it. I want to be more chairtiable with my money. I had planned on just living off my paycheck from hartland and using the paycheck I get from the church purely for mission work. For donations, for buying things people needed. I was going to buy childrens clothes and childrens vitamins. I had nice plans for things. But now with hours being cut so drastically at work (and I really don't have anything against them for cutting hours, ya gotta do what ya gotta do) I have alot less coming in and I need to depend on that steady paycheck from the church. I got 16 hours this week. This summer and all of next year I plan to be getting an apartment. How am I to afford an apartment on that. And I really yern for my own place. Someplace where I can say, "That's where I live." But don't get me wrong, I really apperciate those who open their homes to me. Those who do everything to make me feel at home. But it still isn't quite home. Some say home is where the family is. I would alter that. Home is where your Loved ones are. That sounds better right? I believe so. I Love Nicole, I Love Mom and Dad, I Love my brother and his wife, I even would say I Love my roomates at college and my friends. And I Love my church family. Now some would look at this model and say that I am blessed to have so many homes. And I am definatly blessed to have so many to Love and Love me back. But i think my home, at least for now is torn between those I Love. They didn't mean to tear it, but they did. And it leaves me stretched to thin at times. But if I don't stretch out to them will I lose them? If I don't keep trying will it all go ka-blewee? I don't know. I once gave a good friend some great advice from the best book I know of. Worry about nothing, instead pray about everything. I really need to pray more. Please pray about that and about these things. I'm going to continue to rant know, so if your still reading thank you, but I really won't be surprised if either you haven't made it this far or you don't wanna read anymore. I would say I don't care either way but I don't like to lie.
This Wednesday we had SonShine kids, just like most every Wednesday. For those of you not in attendance we have been haveing several new kids coming. PTL. I attribute it mostly to the meal we give the children. Nicole and I are charged with, and contratically obligated to, the entirity of SonShine Kids. It's our jobs. But that doesn't keep the Lord from sending more people to do His work. If it was just Nicole and I SonShine kids would be an utter and complete failure. So once again I'm calling a PTL for all the helpers. If it werent for their gifts then I would not want to imagine where we would be. I don't have to worry about music, I don't have to worry about food, I don't even have to worry about watching the boys bathroom (thanks Zach). And there is alot else I dont need to worry about because other volunteers are taking care of it. So what am we left to do? Coordinate the stuff, make major decisions (i.e. the format and rules), and try to learn kids names. Anything else? Oh yeah. I make the lessons. Nicole helps me too, but for the mostpart I adapt the lessons from a curriculum. Now that doesn't mean that if the lesson is about Faith I'm going to teach about Faith. Nope, often I go in a completely different direction or topic because I felt led. If I don't do my job, the kids will come and sing songs that they might learn something from, the kids will get fed, the kids might even have some fun, but for the mostpart they wouldn't learn about Jesus. And If I'm the only one in some punk kids life who is going to tell them about Jesus, you can be sure I'm at least going to try. But lately we have been having some problems. (this is going back to the new kids) I'm really pleased that we have new childern coming to SonShine kids. I am, but with new kids comes new challenges. Take for instance last Wednesday night. The first group of kids (they go in groups, one is upstairs with me in lesson time while the other is downstairs eating, then they switch) was the older bunch. 3rd, 2nd, and a few 1st graders. I was trying to teach about Paul, per Nicole's request since it tied in with mission work and we were introducing Lauren's mission benifiet fundraising thingie. She gaves me some ideas along the oath of making the lesson from scratch but we got it done. It really wasn't all that bad of a lesson if I do say so myself. I'm usually with the kids while we are singing but there was some things and I couldn't be. But I got there for maybe a song and a half. Then Seth released the Grapple kids and I told the kids that this was their oppertunity to go to the bathroom and if they asked later then they werent allowed. ( of course though if it looked like a kid was gonna wet themself i would'a let them go). Then after a while they all came back. By then though the kids who didn't go, or got back sooner were going stir crazy and I'm trying to keep it under control. So I Split them up. I say everyone in 3rd and 2nd grade go over here. and thats about a third of them. Then I ask everyone in 1st grade to raise their hand. (so i could see if I could send the entire 1st grade over with the older or if I would have to split them up) about 6 or 7 kids raised their hands while 3 kids just ran over to the older group. so I was like fine, we can have some unevenness, you guys stay her and u stay there ( to the kids who ran over) but for some reason then they acted like I had just asked them to switch places. We finally got that sorted out and I told the young ones to go downstairs and eat, and the old ones to come upstairs with me to learn about Paul. The older kids were rambunckious, liked to interupt, and just kinda mean. You know whatever, I've been dealing with that for quite some time now. My lesson did not go as planned and I really don't think most of them learned anything except that there was some guy named Paul. We switched groups then, and there are a few key young ones that have defined personas worth mentioning. However I do not feel right discloseing thier names so I will call them Ed, Frank, and Bob. Ed is special. He isn't retarded but he is extremely hyper and distractable. People don't treat Ed with enough tolerance I think. I think alot of times he just gets in trouble and he gets yelled at because that's alot easier than taking the time to do things like he needs. If Ed is content with laying on a couch even after I told everyone not to sit on the couch, but Ed is paying attention, I'm fine with that because Ed is getting something and him paying attention shows me that he is trying. Frank is younger, maybe about 4. He isn't the brightest kid but he is sweet and honest. He can be fairly exciteable and likes to follow the lead of others. He is also good about focusing on whatever he wants to do and shutting the rest of it out mostly. Finally there is Bob. Bob oh Bob. Bob is quite intelligent but you'd never gues it. He is probably the oddest out of the 3 and he could befriend a brick wall. He'll talk to anyone andhe does like to talk to everyone. He often gets distracted and usually takes others with him. Frank likes to follow Bob's lead. So the kids come pouring into the room and I tell them multiple times to not sit on the couches. After having to personally tell a few kids to get on the floor with everyone else the only one left on a couch is Ed. But Ed isn't yelling, he isn't screaming, and he isn't asleep. So I start going with the lesson. I realize that most of these kids can't read so I stop writing key points on the board. I was trying to teach the kids but then Bob and Frank were being a bit disruptive so I had to settle that, and then there was an incident. A new girl, we'll call her Marnie (she couldn't of been too old, maybe she was 4) smacked Frank. Right in front of Nicole. Nicole was telling her that you can't do that and just the perscribed talk for hitting and the girl start balling, screamming and freaking out. So I pointed for Nicole to leave. Well Marnie had a big sister there with her and they were tighter than 2 things that are tight. So Marnie's sister goes to leave with her and Nicole tells her to stay. (We have had a few things with these 2 particular girls before and I could best describe it as completly having no clue or concept of authority. I can deal with people who fight authority and rebel and break rules but they know that authority is there. They at least acknowledge it. These girls acted like they could do whatever they pleased.) So I move to the oppisite direction of Nicole taking Marnie out of the room and Marnie's sister trying to go with her. I'm trying to keep the focus on the lesson. Well, while I and Nicole were distracted Frank and Bob gone to the oter side of the room and were playing, so i reel them in ( only for a moment) and then I keep trying the lesson. About 2 subgroups with about 3 kids each then formed in the back. they are clearly not paying attention but are talking quitely. Frank and Bob are doing something and Ed is thankfully complacent on the couch. Then frank and bob get to Ed and the 3 start getting a bit nuts. I'm trying to get everyone's attentions. Marnie's sister has her back turned to me pouting for the rest of the time. (You see often times in the relationship between siblings this close they use eachother as crutches. When you seperate them the younger one doesn't know how to act for herself because the older one is always watching out for her and making decsions. But the older one doesn't know how to deal with their own problems and so just calms up). So now after my attempts at getting attention I have regained some to the group but I would like to get the rest. And the worst part is, about half of them this whole time are sitting down, listeing intently. I just don't know what to do. I do something. I try to teach while getting kids to pay attetion. That worked GREAT! not really. I ran over a few minutes, rushed a prayer, and then someone told me to release the van kids first. So I did. And then some non van kids went with them downstairs. I had had it so I just left the rest go. Then, completely drained I collapsed to the floor and laid there for a few minutes. I just needed to get away so a few more minutes after I got up Nicole and I left. So what am I to do about this. I barely know some of these kids names, how am I suposed to change thier lives. How am I supposed to form personal relationships with 40-60 some odd kids??? I have alot more in my life than SonShine kids but I do believe I am supposed to be here, doing this. I would have talked to those two girls parents next time but they ride the bus with Max. What am I supposed to do? I don't think it would be quite right to come into thier house and telling them about how their child was missbehaving. That isn't really where I lay the blame though. I lay it on the parents. If a child has no respect for authority, who do you think tought them authority? Parents. If a child doesn't thinks they can do whatever they want so long as it's not too loud and doesn't make a mess what does this tell me? I might be jumping a bit here but I believe that tells me that at home if they don't get in the way of mom and dad then their parents don't really care what they do. Parents need to encourage kids to do positive things. Parenting is like training a dog in some aspects. You can hit a dog everytime it pees in the house and it will stop peeing in the house. The dog will probably get by but it wont do anything amazing. It won't thrive. You must take a instrest. Don't just teach what not to do, teach how to do. Don't just teach about what things are wrong, teach why they are wrong, teach why things are right. I have just 1 hour with these kids a week. Just 1. If parents arn't doing thier role at home the rest of the time, how is what I do supposed to help. I really REALLY care about these kids, and what they are supposed to be learning form me. And when I put all that caring and energy, all of me into trying to do this and it blows up in my face. And some kid spits on it because they'd rather talk to thier buddy than learn about Jesus. He gave so much and He doesn't deserve that. I'm not saying I'm perfect, and I'm not even a parent so who am I to be talking to parents about parenting? But I know want I am. Broken, torn, beaten, exhausted, failed. If I don't teach all of these kids about Jesus I think I've failed. Maybe that's setting my goals to high but I don't care. I can see the changes in some kids lives and I rejoice for that. But I can see that evil in other childerns lives. I can see bad homes, bad situation, bad parents. I can feel it from them. And me not being able to change that hurts so bad. I just don't know what to do. It's 3AM, and I need to go to bed. Thanks for reading, or at least scrolling down.